The Misadventures of Link! Ocarina of Time!
by thelivingtunic
Summary: Ever wondered why Link could do everything and anything the game threw at him? Or Why he couldn't talk? Well, this is a reason why he can't speak, and proof that he can't do *ahem* everything. Or anything, for that matter.
1. The Great Deku Tree

OK! Welcome to The Misadventures of Link! This is what REALLY happened during Ocarina of Time, it just got edited to make Link look, well... cooler, I guess. Oh well, I say play the tape! But first, I must get a goron to do the disclaimer, because I just LOVE those gorons! So adorable! Plus, this is the reason why Link can't talk!

Goron: The Legend of Zelda belongs to its creator, whom is not this Goron lover right here.

Me: Ah, thank you Goron! If I DID own the Legend of Zelda, more of the main characters would be gorons! Heck, Link would probably be a goron too if I had it my way!

Link: thank god you don't.

* * *

Chapter 1: The Deku Tree

Deku Tree: Navi, go fetch a Kokiri for me.

Navi: Aye Aye, Great Deku Tree! On my way!

Me: Navi flies away, and soon flies into Link's hut. After missing the window and hitting the wall, of course, and cursing loudly. So loudly, in fact, that it woke Link up.

Navi: Ah, your awake! Well get up and let's go, the Great Deku Tree needs you!

Me: Link gets up, without complaint, and follows Navi back to the Great Deku Tree, who looked puzzled at Link's presence.

Deku Tree: Navi, I didn't mean the kid without a fairy! I meant a kid WITH a fairy! Oh well, he'll have to do.

Me: The Deku Tree explains about Ganondorf and tells Link to rid him of the evil inside, and Link enters the Deku Tree. While I'm stuck being the narrator! Well, its long and very accident-filled, like how Link runs into about 8 skulltulas and screams and nearly leaves the Deku Tree, but sadly, I will not narrate that. I will, however narrate the boss fight, against Gohma.

Me: Link entered the room, of course rushing. Gohma dropped from the ceiling, and landed on Link. Navi just sighed and poked Gohma in the eye. Pathetically, Gohma screamed and died. Link jumped up with a thumbs up.

Link: I did it!

Navi: Right, Link, you really beat Gohma for sure...

Me: Link stepped onto the portal that appeared, but had to rush through the Deku Tree again because he forgot Navi. When he was back in front of the Deku Tree, WITH Navi, the Tree gave him the Kokiri Emerald. Of course, Navi decided to joke with him, because she was still sore about being left behind.

Navi: Hey, Link! You know that Emerald's made out of frozen kokiri snot, right?

Me: Link dropped the emerald and refused to touch it again, even after Navi told him she was joking.

Deku Tree: PICK UP THE EFFING EMERALD ALREADY, YOU IMBECILE!

Me: That made Link pick up the emerald. Link skipped away, and the Deku Tree sighed.

Deku Tree: Oh, for the record, I'm dead. Don't tell anyone otherwise!

Me: I agreed, and he gave me 50 rupees. Yes, I was bribed not to tell anyone he was still alive, even though it was clearly obvious. I mean, Kokiri children still went to talk to him, and I think he must've found out that, for another 50 rupees, I told Mido he wasn't dead. Yes, I sold him out. I'm not fond of that tree, or of Kokiri children, actually. Zoras are okay because they look funny, but the most adorable beings ever are gorons...

Navi: HEY! Back to the story already! Bring the Gorons up when they are actually in this!

Me: Shut up, annoying fairy!

Me: I put Navi in a bottle. Well, that's all for now! Next chapter: Chapter 2: Hyrule Castle: Breaking and Entering!


	2. Hyrule Castle: Breaking and Entering!

Welcome back! Me here, again! I can't wait for the third chapter, you want to know why? Because, Link goes to Death Mountain! So, there will be Gorons! I'm going to give the gorons an award for being so adorable and awesome! I mean, c'mon! Have you seen their faces? Their eyes? Awww, so CUTE! Gives Gorons award for being totally adorable

Gorons: YAY! This Goron-fan doesn't own Zelda! Just her love for the Gorons!

Put on that fun Goron music! I love that! goron theme plays WOOHOO dances with the Gorons

* * *

Chapter 2: Hyrule Castle: Breaking and Entering!

Me: Link was leaving the Kokiri Forest when Saria caught up to him.

Saria: Link! Take this!

Me: Saria threw her Fairy Ocarina to Link, but it hit him on the head, and he collasped. Then he stood up again, holding the Ocarina.

Link: Fairy Ocarina! Thanks Shelly!

Saria: it's SARIA, Link!

Link: I'll try to remember that...

Me: You got the Fairy Ocarina! Your friend Saria gave to you, hoping it might make you remember her name! She doesn't have much hope though, because its obvious you're a total idiot! Oh well, free stuff!

Link: YES! Free stuff! Woohoo! She must like me, right Navi?

Navi: Believe what you want to, Link. Believe what you want to...

Me: So, as Link and Navi left the forest, an owl was waiting for them. It started to blabber on about something, so Link picked up a rock and hit it in the head. Then it spotted Navi and tried to eat her. In the end, Navi gave the owl the slip. Navi spots Lon Lon Ranch in the distance.

Navi: let's go there, Link!

Me: Link didn't want to, but Navi nagged at him until he did. When they got there, Link was exhausted. They entered the ranch, and it was night by now. Malon screamed when she saw him, and kicked Link out, not letting him back in until morning. Needless to say, Link was attacked by zombies during the night. He was lying on the ground, drooling, when Malon finally let him into the ranch. She giggled and apoligized.

Malon: No harm done, though.

Link: Er... I guess not.

Me: Link took out his ocarina.

Malon: OH! I should teach you a song while your here! Let's go out to the field, with the horses!

Me: Malon lead him into the field, with the horses. One attempted to eat his hat. Malon giggled. Then after he got his hat back, she taught him the song.

Malon: So, now that you know Epona's song, why don't you play it back to me now? On your ocarina.

Me: Link played the song, and all the horses went nuts. A few ran him over. Malon was, somehow, untouched by any of the horses. Link got back up, rubbing his back. The next day, Link made his way to Hyrule Castle Market.

Link: If its Hyrule Castle Market, how come it's a town, Navi?

Navi: ... Just nevermind, Link. Just nevermind.

Link: OK

Me: Link tried to make his way up to the castle, but guards stopped him.

Navi: OK, we're gonna have to sneak in, Link.

Link: Okey-dokey Navi!

Me: So, they snuck in. They actually got past the gates this time, and came across a sleeping man shortly after.

Link: Why is this fat-ass sleeping here?

Navi: Who knows. Keep going.

Me: So, they kept going. But soon, they got caught by the guards, and Link made a run for it, getting to the yard Zelda stood in. He was very surprised to see that the guards weren't following him anymore.

Link: Where'd they go?

Zelda: Oh, they went to arrest that fat-ass man sleeping inside the gates.

Link: Oh.

Me: Zelda turned around.

Link: What are you doing?

Zelda: Being a good little girl.

Link: Really?

Me: Zelda snorts.

Zelda: No. I'm spying on someone through this window. He's evil.

Link: Oh.

Zelda: Hey, if you get the spiritual stones we could open the chamber of time in the Temple out in Hyrule Castle Market, and save the world!

Link: Oh, I don't really want to save the world, but OK.

Zelda: What do you want to do then if you don't want to save the world?

Link: Find a bathroom.

Zelda: ... Oh. Um, do you have to go?

Link: A little bit, yeah.. Oh well.

Zelda: OK then. Look, just go to Death Mountain and Zora's Domain to find the other stones, since I'm assuming you have the emerald already.

Link: Death Mountain? Zora's Domain? Where are those?

Zelda: I'm sure you'll find them, eventually.

Me: Impa appears.

Zelda: Impa, teach this boy my lullaby while he's here, I'm sure he has an ocarina.

Link: I do. I have a fairy ocarina!

Me: Link takes out the fairy ocarina, while Zelda and Impa try not to laugh.

Link: What?

Impa: A boy with a fairy ocarina.. interesting.

Me: Impa teaches Link Zelda's Lullaby, then kicks him out of the castle.

Link: Woohoo! We broke into Hyrule Castle!

Me: some guards overheard Link.

Guards: What?!

Navi: aw crap.

Me: I will end this on a positive note, well as positive as I can be, considering I'm still the narrator! Which means I can't go party like there's no tomorrow with the Gorons! NOOOO! Next chapter: Chapter 3: Death Mountain, and the Gorons!


	3. Death Mountain and the Gorons!

Hi again! I will be introducing the Zoras today, considering they are second best, only to... GORONS! But I like Zoras.

Zoras: yay! This writer doesn't own The Legend of Zelda.

If I did, Ruto would NOT be so darn creepy! shudder

* * *

Chapter 3: Death Mountain, and the Gorons!

Me: Still here, still narrator. Still no party. Anyways, after Link got beaten up by the guards, they left Hyrule Castle Market, and Link saw a mountain with a ring of smoke around the top in the distance.

Link: Navi, do you think that could be Zora's Domain?

Navi: No, Link! It's Death Mountain! Let's go!

Me: So, they set off. They made it to Kakariko Village.

Link: Navi, I gotta use the bathroom!

Navi: fine, then. Let's find somewhere you can go.

Me: They looked almost everywhere, and no one seemed to have a bathroom. It was weird.

Link: Doesn't anyone have a bathroom?!

Navi: Well, let's try the graveyard. Just don't piss on a grave or they'll get mad.

Me: They go to the graveyard, and Dampe looked at them funny.

Navi: He needs to use the bathroom.

Dampe: So you come to a graveyard?

Navi: We can't find any other place for him to go.

Dampe: Well... I guess he can go here, just as long as he doesn't piss on a grave, or the trails.

Link: THANK YOU!

Me: Link ran off to find somewhere off the trail and away from any graves. He eventually found a good spot, and he... well, he relieved himself. He finished up shortly, and then they left. They went to the gate that was stopping them from going up to Death Mountain. Link looked at the guard.

Link: can you let us through? We need up there!

guard: No one gets up there without a note from Princess Zelda, or the rest of the royal family.

Link: well, I gots one!

Me: Link started to look through his stuff. He had lost the note. He picked up a leaf from the Kokiri Forest and tried handing it to the guard.

guard: That's a leaf.

Link: yeah, so..?

Me: So the guard wouldn't let them pass. Then Link clubbed the guy over the head with his deku shield, and managed to climb over the gate. Then, dodging the monsters on the trail, they got to a bend, with a goron sitting next to a big boulder. A boulder rolled down the path, and wouldn't you know it, it squished Link. Once Link was deemed OK, him and Navi kept going, until they reached the Goron City. The moment Link stepped inside, a goron squashed him. Once again deemed okay, he jumped down onto the next level, then the next, until he was at the bottom. He ran towards a door, but tripped and hit his head against the wall. He shook his head, got up and ran into the room Darunia stayed in.

Darunia: What do you want?

Link: I want a stone thing that's red and shiny and I think you have it.

Darunia: You mean the Goron Ruby?

Link: yeah!

Darunia: You can't have it, unless you play me a good song.

Link: OK!

Me: Link tried to play Saria's Song, but he messed up mid-song.

Darunia: You stink. Get out.

Link: no, let me try again!

Navi: Just let me do it Link!

Me: Navi grabbed the ocarina and played Saria's Song perfectly. Darunia nodded.

Darunia: OK, well, before I give you the Ruby, how about you do me a favor?

Link: What?

Darunia: Dodongo's Cavern has become dangerous, and the Gorons are starving. If you rid it of the evil, after you open it of course, you can have the Ruby.

Link: OK! Good deal!

Navi: Link!

Darunia: You will need this to pick up bomb flowers.

Me: Darunia gives Link the Power Bracelet.

Me: You got the Power Bracelet! It lets you pick up bomb flowers without well... yeah. Darunia gave it to you, must be because your a total loser!

Link: Oh boy!

Me: Link ran out, and went and bombed every door he could that needed to be bombed open. He soon found a Goron in a cave, a huge goron.

Biggoron: I will make you a fine sword for 400 rupees.

Link: OK!

Me: Link handed over his 400 rupees and looked eager.

Biggoron: You will have to come back in 7 years, because the sword will not be ready until then. Sucker!

Me: Link left the Goron City, and found a ledge with bomb flowers and a fence. He threw a bomb over the fence, and heard a big explosion.

Link: Oh boy!

Me: Link jumped over the fence too, landing on the roof of the now open cave. He got a heart piece.

Me: You got a Heart Piece! For Once, good job! Get three more to get a Heart Container!

Link: Eww, a heart container! Wouldn't that kill me Navi?

Navi: No, Link! You get more life if you get heart containers!

Link: I thought it meant that someone took your heart out and put it in a container.

Navi: No, Link, that's not what it- Actually, who knows...

Me: Link and Navi wandered into the cave. I'd tell you about it, but it would take forever with all the blunders Link made. I'm not even going to tell you about the Boss Fight. Well, Link and Navi came out, a little burnt. When I say a little, I mean completely. The Gorons cheered and brushed them off. Darunia came forward and gave Link the Goron Ruby. Navi took it, for safe keepings.

Darunia: We're Blood Brothers now!

Link: hm... I wonder what that means... Happy Birthday to you, too!

Me: Link and Navi left Death Mountain, leaving confused looks on all the Gorons' faces. Next chapter: Chapter 4: Swim, Swim, Swim-a-lot!


	4. Swim, Swim, Swimalot!

Back again! This time, I'm going to let the gerudos do the disclaimer. Just because I like them. Yup, yup.

Gerudos: The writer doesn't own the Legend of Zelda.

Link: Thank god!

Gerudos: It's Link! (they throw him in jail)

Link: Aw man!

* * *

Chapter 4: Swim, Swim, Swim-a-lot!

Me: So, as Link and Navi came down from Death Mountain, they found the gate that Link had climbed over was open. The guard was asleep. Link picked up a rock and threw it at a nearby Cuckoo. It glared at him angrily, about to rouse the others into attacking the way Cuckoos do, when Link pointed at the guard and ran past the Cuckoo. So, the Cuckoo roused the others and they attacked. They attacked the guard. Link could hear the guard screaming as he left Kakariko Village. Once out, Link saw a stream and ran to jump in. He jumped in, and then remembered he couldn't swim that well. Navi went to help him, and soon he was on ground again. He then rounded the bank of the river, and then they were on their way to Zora's Domain. There were many accidents along the way, like Link continously falling into the water, when Navi got so annoyed she actually pushed him in. Then she had to pull him out again, as I was too busy recording everything and anything to be of help. A butterfly flew past my paper. I looked at it, then another landed on my nose. I giggled, then the butterfly left. Anyways, Navi wasn't that smart to push Link in. I guess I wasn't too smart putting that down, because she was pretty mad. But, I just stuck her in a bottle so that's one problem solved. So, we got to the waterfall and Link looked pretty confused. I grabbed the Ocarina and played the Zelda theme song, and wouldn't you know it, the water parted. We hopped inside, although I had to catch Link because he hit the wall, not the open doorway. Anyways, once inside, Link started running around. We went up to the diving game waterfall, and Link made a fuss about not being able to swim so the game wasn't fair.

Link: But that isn't fair!

Zora: Most people can swim, dumbass, so it's very fair.

Me: Instead of hearing their bickering and writing down every word, I jumped off the waterfall. Yes, me. The wonderful Narrator, even if Link would disagree with me. I know I'm wonderful. Besides, I dived, got all the money, and a bottle with a note inside to boot. Everyone said that was found at Lake Hylia? That's a lie. It was really found in Zora's Domain. They edited it to make it look not so easy to find. So, when I came back up, I got the silver scale, which Link tried to take from me. I slapped him upside the head, though, and I got to keep my silver scale. I gave Link the bottle though, and dragged him up to the King Zora, and we gave the note to him. He gasped in shock, and fell off his seat. Yes, it says he moved over but that's not what happened. He fell, and cursed Link until we ran up onto the seat and went away. We saw Jabu-Jabu, the giant fish. Link kicked it until it opened its mouth and we ran inside. Do you see now why they edited this all out, and me? It was embarrassing. Anyways, to skip a long story, I saved Ruto and Link got the glory. Like normal. She gave HIM the Zora engagement ring, I made some noises like I was going to throw up, and she hit me! ME! The Narrator! Just for that, I socked her in the mouth. Then we left, because I told Link we could go back to Hyrule Castle Market. I'm apoligizing in advance that this is all me writing, but hey, we didn't talk much here. Oh, did I mention I pushed Link a lot? I did. I knocked him over a few times too, and he took Navi out of the bottle, to my horror. I asked him why he did that.

Link: Because she bugs you. A lot!

Me: I couldn't argue with that logic, and I told them that.

Navi: What logic? No logic ever comes from Link! EVER!

Me: I told them that I also couldn't argue with THAT logic, for once. Because I love to argue with Navi's logic. A lot. Link kicked me then, and I strategically thought it through, then I stole all his bottles. It meant almost nothing to him now, but it would later on. Heh, Heh.

Me: I still wanted to party like there was no tomorrow with the gorons, mostly because for me and Link, there actually WAS no tomorrow. Just seven years locked in time. Fun, not. But we didn't know THAT yet. Anyways, next chapter: Chapter 5: Aging!


	5. Aging!

OK, I'm back. Not much to say here, I just want to write this chapter. I'm getting Gohma to do the disclaimer! Might as well recongize some bosses.

Gohma: this strange person doesn't own Zelda.

* * *

Chapter 5: Aging!

Me: So, Link, Navi and I, the greatest narrator ever, headed off towards Hyrule Castle Market. Once we were by the drawbridge, a horse went running riderlessly past, and Impa and Zelda were chasing after it. I went and managed to grab the ocarina off her as she went. Then Ganondorf rode up. Link tried to be brave... No, he didn't. He went and jumped into the moat as Ganondorf stared down at me, the narrator.

Ganondorf: I want you to write my life history!

Me: I told him no, that I was busy acting as narrator slash partial heroine. He laughed at me, so I threw Navi at his horse. Navi distracted the horse by cursing at it while it tried to eat her, and I picked up a rock and threw it at Ganondorf. It hit him in the forehead.

Ganondorf: Ow! I want my Mommy!

Me: Then he rode off, cursing me and the stupid fairy kid I was travelling with. I went and fished Link out of the moat, sighing. I held onto the ocarina of time instead of giving it to him. I told him he was puny and weak and that his fairy ocarina was good enough for him. I lead him to the Temple of Time. I forced Navi to put the stones where they were supposed to go, while Link sucked on the fancy red carpet. I told him to knock it off, but he didn't. Then I played the time song and the chamber opened. Link and I both ran forward for the master sword, but I got my fingers around it first. Mostly because Link tripped, then crawled up the few stairs there were. I pulled the sword out, and we were frozen in time for 7 years. ME, the narrator/part time heroine! Anyways, seven years later, we were released but the light sage Rauru appeared. He farted right off the bat.

Rauru: Whew, excuse me. Anyway, you two are the hero and heroine of time.

Link: What does that mean?

Rauru: it means you two are responsible for Hyrule and if it gets turned to dust.

Link: Oh. Do we get any vacation time?

Rauru: No, you don't have a paycheck either. And your not garanteed success.

Me: I would put the rest of Rauru's endless blabber, but there wwas way too much. We just had to go from temple to temple across Hyrule and beat the dangers. Not hard. Well, very hard if your Link. Me? Not so much. I was trained to kill enemies to be the narrator for this. Anyway, we had to go back to the Kokiri Forest for the first temple. I groaned, because I hated that place. He told us we would need a special item to even get into the temple, but that he couldn't help us at all because of his flatuence. Nice old fart, eh? Whatever. He released us at last, and Link realized something at last: 7 years of no bathroom. So, he just pulled down his tights and took a leak in the Temple of Time. Nice. I told him I wasn't coming back here ever again, and that I was now both openly disgusted with him, and utterly humilated.

Link: What's there to be humilated about?

Me: I told him that I was humilated because the man I had to save the world with was taking a leak in a sacred place. Humilation enough.

Link: I couldn't hold it.

Me: I told him right, that I thought it was just a plan to disgust me. I told him, too, that because he did that, I was going to be the one to carry the master sword.

Link: Why can't I?

Me: I confessed then, and admitted to him that I was afraid he was going to use it as a sex toy at an inappropriate time. He finished up then, and for that I was glad. We left the temple, and I told him we should go back to Kakariko Village. Next chapter: chapter 6: The Forest Temple and Shiek


	6. The Forest Temple and Shiek

OK, back again! Gots no inspiration, but I'll just roll with it. Yeah. This time, Phantom Ganon is doing the disclaimer.

Phantom Ganon: This author doesn't own Zelda.

If I did, you probably wouldn't even exist, and even if you did you would not be the boss of the first temple!

* * *

Chapter 6: The Forest Temple and Shiek

Me: OK, I know what your thinking. Your probably thinking, when did the narrator become a heroine? Well, Link clearly isn't up to the job of saving the world by himself, considering he took a leak in the Temple of Time without hesitating. That speaks for itself. Yeah, I had to step in, because let's face it, Hyrule would be dust. Anyways, I dragged Link back to Kakariko Village, then someone told us what happened. We didn't really pay any attention. We went off to the graveyard, found out Dampe died, and I moved a lot of grave markers. I found a hole soon and pushed Link down it first, then I went. There was the ghost of Dampe.

Dampe: If you beat my riddle you get a prize! What is...

Me: Link and I held our breaths.

Dampe: 2 + 2?

Me: Link looked puzzled. I told Dampe 4, and I got the hookshot. Oh joy. We left, and left Kakariko Village. When I wasn't watching him, Link took the Master Sword from me. I started to talk to someone, surprisingly, while Link 'played' with the sword. When I turned around, Link was doing what I was afraid he would do someday. He had the Master Sword, THE MASTER SWORD!, at his crotch, the handle closest to him thankfully. He grinned. I wanted to slap him. Decided not to, until I had the sword back. He thrust his hips and moved the sword back and forth. I REALLY wanted to slap him. People were crowding around. Great, a crowd. I chose that time to take off my stupid green hat and hide my face in it. I heard people laughing. I wondered if it was about me. I looked up. Link was, unfortunately, still using the sword inappropriately.

Link: Don't you like my sword?

Me: I yelled at him. My face was red. Stupid Innuendo. Stupid Link. I accidentally smashed the bottle Navi was in. Great. I went and grabbed the Master Sword from him. We left Kakariko Village. I told him nice going, that he'd made us a laughing stock of us in Kakariko. I slapped him upside the head for empathsis.

Link: What's wrong? I was only trying to have fun.

Me: I told him this is not about having "fun", it's about saving the world. I told him I'd keep an eye on him more often, to make sure he didn't do that again.

Link: Don't be so stiff.

Me: I told him the future of Hyrule depends on us, so one of us has to stiff.

Link: If your stiff you can't move much so you'll probably die soon.

Me: I told him I couldn't argue with that logic, so I loosened up like he told me to. I also told him I wasn't leaving anything to depend on HIM. I also wasn't giving him the Master Sword again. He hugged me, and I kicked him in the knees, so he dropped me.

Link: What was that all about?

Me: I told him too many girls liked him. I spent the better part of an hour calling him dirty names. We reached Kokiri Forest without my noticing. I spat at him when we got there, then I looked around. I told him I liked it better now. He looked like he was going to cry. We ran past monsters that tried to eat Navi and Link but completely ignored me. We finally got to a maze thing with monsters in it. I took out the hookshot. I shot a monster in the butt when it wasn't looking and it died. I grinned and told him that I had offically killed more monsters than he did.

Link: That... was your first monster. I killed like 75.

Me: I told him oh. I admitted I felt dumb. Link said nothing and we kept going, and killing monsters until he got to the meadow.

Link: Oops, I think we were supposed to come here like, seven years ago.

Me: I said oh again. Shiek appeared. I asked him if he was supposed to come in earlier.

Shiek: I was busy.

Me: I asked him what he was doing.

Shiek: None of your buisness.

Me: Shiek taught us- I mean me the Minuet of the Forest, and told us blah blah blah and that we'd warp here whenever we played it.

Link: Like we'd ever want to come back here again!

Me: I agreed, and told him yeah really. I pulled out the hookshot and we shot up onto a ledge. We entered the temple. I'm going to skip all the temple, and go to the boss fight. Well, we went into the room, the door shutting right behind us.

Link: Did I ever tell you I'm claustraphobic?

Me: Phantom Ganon popped out of a painting. I told him nice try, that I knew he wasn't the real Ganondorf. I tried to shoot an arrow at him, but before Link or I knew it, the arrow was in Link's butt. Link yelped, and I shot Phantom Ganon again. He died. Link bent over, I put my foot on his butt and pulled on the arrow as hard as I could. I got it out, with another agonized yelp from Link. I dropped it, and then we both shouted hurray. Then we wondered why something wasn't happening, and how we were going to get out. Next chapter: Chapter 7: Death Mountain! Again!


	7. Death Mountain! Again!

I feel like saying this, that once I have every chapter done, I'm going to be putting it in proper format, not script format like the way I'm doing so.

Volvagia: Author doesn't own Zelda.

* * *

Chapter 7: Death Mountain! Again!

Me: Well, Link and I finally got out of the boss room, somehow. I played the Minuet of the Forest, and we warped back to the entrance of the temple. Shiek was still standing there.

Shiek: Oh, well done. Not.

Me: I told him to shut up. I didn't notice Link had a deku stick in his hand. I started shouting at Navi because she was getting irritating again. I didn't know what Link was doing, but I think he was just playing with the stick. Then he seemed to notice that I was preoccupied with shouting at Navi that I wasn't watching him. So, guess what? He took the Master Sword. Again. Of course. He did the exact same thing he did the last time he had the sword, too. I turned to look at him, and I was horrified. He wagged the sword from side to side, grinning. My head dropped, so I was staring horrified at the ground. My face had frozen with shock, disgust and humilation when I had seen him doing that. Shiek was laughing, and so was Navi who could tell I was taking it hard. So she was laughing to bug me. I soon snapped out of my stupor. I looked back at Link, who was still acting like the idiot he was, was still using the Master Sword as a sex toy. I was half surprised Navi wasn' telling him to knock it off. I told Link that the master sword was a holy blade, not something to use for inappropriate reasons.

Link: You like it, you just won't tell me that you do.

Me: I nearly gagged. I told him we were supposed to be saving Hyrule, and he was being naughty with the master sword.

Link: I don't remember anyone telling you that I'm not naughty.

Me: I said damn it, your right. Nobody had told me that he was a good boy, or even if he was naughty or not. Now, the proof was staring me in the face. I started yelling dirty words, calling Link every naughty name I could think of and then some. I grabbed the sword from him, and I swing it through the air and pointing it at Link a lot. He jumped back a lot. I don't really know what happened then, because now its a blur, but I guessed I snapped. Well, I shortly regained sanity and put the sword away. Link looked scared shitless, and Navi and Shiek were stunned. I asked what happened.

Link: Well, you went crazy with the sword, and nearly killed me. Oh, and you nearly, um...

Me: I asked him to spit it out already.

Link: You nearly cut my balls off.

Me: I told him then that I wished that he hadn't told me. Anyways, with that, I got back on track. We had to go back to Death Mountain. I asked Shiek if there was anything we needed to do before going.

Shiek: No, it's not important.

Me: I grinned and Link, Navi and I left Kokiri Forest. Thankfully. I couldn't stand it in there. I decided to put the whole 'going-crazy-with-a-sword' thing behind me. I bottled Navi up again just before leaving. We headed for Death Mountain.

Link: why don't we go get a horse?

Me: I told him fine. So we went and stopped at the ranch, to find Ingo in charge. Before either of us said anything, I took the master sword and beat Ingo in thehead with the flat side of the blade, knocking him out. I yanked open the gates and Link went and jumped onto a red one with a white mane. I sighed and hollered for him to get his ass back over here. He brought the horse over, I climbed on in front of him, and we left the ranch.

Link: See? This is much faster!

Me: I told him yes, but it was bumpy. He didn't seem to mind, though, he sort of looked like he was enjoying it. We got going so fast, I leaned back into Link. He grinned and I hit him.

Link: What was that for?

Me: I told him for enjoying himself. He groaned. I asked him what he was groaning about.

Link: Well, if you must know you nosy girl, between you and this horse...

Me: I told him to stop right there. Anyways, we soon made it to Kakariko village, where we had to leave Epona, the horse. We went through the gate up to Death Mountain. We saw no gorons. We headed up to Goron City, and it was deserted, except for a lone goron. I threw a bomb at it and it rolled over to us.

Goron: What do you want?

Me: I told him that we wanted to know where all the gorons were, and if he had two red tunics.

Goron: They've all been captured and my father has gone up to fight Volvagia to save them. I only have the one red tunic.

Link: We have to share a tunic?

Goron: yes.

Me: I grabbed Link and we went to the bottom floor, where there was a closed up shop. I threw bombs at it, and therefore I blasted my way into the store. Luckily, no gorons and a red tunic on the shelf. I jumped up and grabbed the tunic, then we ran like the wind out of the goron city. We ran still until we got up to Death Mountain crater. We put on the red tunics, Link actually switching tunics and me just pulling the red tunic over my hot pink tunic. We entered the crater and found we weren't dying of heat.

Link: amazing.

Me: We went onto a ledge with a broken bridge, above lava. I pulled out the hookshot, and aimed it at the other end of the bridge. Quite unfortunately, there was only one hookshot. So we had to hold onto the other. Ugh. Anyways, once we got over to the other side, Shiek appeared out of nowhere.

Shiek: Time to learn Bolero of Fire... Blah, blah, blah...

Me: Shiek just rattled on for a while before he taught me the song. We then skipped... No, I'm kidding. I skipped and Link trailed behind me as we entered the temple. Now, I'm going to skip the whole temple thing, and go into the boss fight. Well, Volvagia burnt Link about 7 or 8 times before I smashed his head in with the skull hammer I got from the temple. Link almost stepped in a lava hole, but I grabbed him and dragged him back to safety, then I grabbed the heart piece and we stepped out in the portal that appeared. Shiek was gone when we got out there. Then I told Link that we had to go to Lake Hylia next.

Link: But I can't swim!

Me: I told him oh, and admitted that I had forgotten. Then I told him that he could wait on shore for me to finish up the water temple, if he wanted.

Link: I'll think it over.

Me: I sighed, then we started to leave the crater. Next chapter: Chapter 8: Lake Hylia!


	8. Lake Hylia!

Water temple boss: The author doesn't own the legend of zelda.

Chapter 8: Lake Hylia!

Me: Once we got out of Kakariko village, which I insisted on getting out of as fast as possible, we saw Epona waiting for us. Link mounted first, then helped me up onto Epona, because even I can't do everything. I, once again, sat in front. We started off. I asked him if he knew how to get to Lake Hylia.

Link: Of course I do.

Me: Then I asked him that if it's a water temple, how are we going to breathe.

Link: Well, we get water tunics from the zoras. They'll be happy to help.

Me: Link turned Epona around, and we got off shortly. We jumped into Zora's river, and I had to hold on to Link to keep him from drowning. Ugh. We made it to land, and we headed for the waterfall, the entrance to Zora's Domain. I played Zelda's Lullaby, and the water thinned out enough for us to jump through. Once we were inside, we were greeted with a horrifying sight. The whole place was frozen. The zoras, the water, everything but the rock path and walls. Our jaws dropped. After a few minutes, we walked slowly along the path, stunned. Once we got to where the King Zora was, we seemed to snap out of it. I asked Link who could've done this.

Link: Obviously, Ganondorf. And everyone calls me the stupid one...

Me: I hit him. I turned away from him then. I even took my hot pink hat off. I blinked back tears. Link tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned and cried into him. He was stunned. Then he slowly hugged me. Shortly, I stopped crying and pushed Link away from me. I told him thanks.

Link: So, Miss I-Can-Do-Anything can cry.

Me: I told him to shut up, and that the only thing I can't do is mount Epona. Truth, actually. I dragged him through the opening the King Zora usually sat in front of. We were out where Jabu-Jabu normally was, but he wasn't there, and it was icy out. I pointed out a cave, and we started jumping from flat sheet of ice to flat sheet of ice, until Link slipped and fell into the water. He went under, and I gasped, then dived in to get him. I grabbed him then we resurfaced. I hauled him up onto the ice sheet, and he shivered. I pulled myself up, then helped Link to stand. We made our way to the cave more carefully. We went inside, and once we reached the end we got iron boots after killing a wolfos. Shiek appeared, and taught the serenade of water. I had a bottle of strange fire from the ice cave, so we took it back and defrosted King Zora. He blabbered on about something uselessly, but then gave us two water tunics, thankfully. I didn't want to share a tunic with Link. Once again, I just pulled the water tunic over my hot pink tunic. Link waited until we were out of Zora's Domain to change his tunic. I took out the ocarina and played the serenade of water, warping us to Lake Hylia. We were shocked at how much water was gone from the lake.

Link: A lot happens in seven years...

Me: I told him obviously. We wandered down onto the shoreline and ran down the dirt, until we reached the water. Link had his iron boots on, and he had to tie a rope around me to keep me from floating to the surface of the water, since there was only one pair of boots, unfortunately. Once we got into the water temple, I thought I could take the rope off, and was bitterly disappointed to find out that I had to keep it on. Right before entering the boss room, I disposed of my rope. We beat the boss without hassle, for the first time ever. We jumped up and down, because we were over halfway done. Yeah.

Link: Woohoo! We did it!

Me: I told him we weren't finished yet, but he ignored me. In his excitement, he hugged me then let me go. Once again, we climbed up onto Epona, and realized we didn't know where we had to go. Oh, I forgot to mention that we did in fact shoot the sun and get the fire arrows. Anyways, Link just got Epona into motion, not worrying about where we were supposed to go. Link groaned again, since I was once again leaning back into him. Link shifted in the saddle a few times, and a few minutes later, I felt something poking into me. My face went red when I realized what it was... Next chapter: Chapter 9: Back to Kakariko Village!


	9. Back to Kakariko Village!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda. You would know if I did.

(parties with Gorons)

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Chapter 9:

Back to Kakariko Village!

Me: To my great horror, we had to go back to Kakariko Village. We rode back to the village, me talking about how Saria, Malon, Zelda and Ruto bugged me. Obviously I was annoying Link, because when I started going on about how they all liked him and it was stupid, he yelled at me. ME!

Link: Contrary to your belief, I don't like any of them!

Me: And I asked him why not.

Link: Saria's a kid FOREVER. Ruto just scares me, A LOT. Zelda's a witch (personality-wise). Malon only likes GIRLS! That's why not!

Me: I said that I was with him the whole time, how would he know Malon's sexuality.

Link: I just DO!

Me: I said oh, and it ended the conversation. But I began to ponder on that. I thought that now that I knew for certain that he didn't like any of THEM, I could like him now. I agreed with myself. We said nothing until we got to Kakariko Village. Link was still mad at me, preventing me from saying anything else I might have wanted to say, like "sorry". Sometimes he can be SO inconsiderate. Oops, he saw me write that, now he's even more angry. Geez. Anyway, Kakariko Village was burning. I said that I thought it was an improvement. Link ignored me (how rude!) and marched up to the well, when some black thing came flying out of it. It was about to pretty much kill him when, deciding to do the heroic and polite thing, I jumped on Link causing him to fall over, giving the black thing a clear getaway path. It ran away. I got off Link, who stood up and brushed the dirt off. He didn't say a word, but he went straight to Epona and mounted without waiting for me. I walked over, and asked him to get off to help me.

Link: Get up by yourself for once.

Me: Well, I tried. I tried to get up behind Link, but I slipped and fell off. And suddenly I was yelling. I was yelling at Link, at Navi, at Epona, at the burning trash that was Kakariko Village. I kicked that stupid horse in my anger, and walked back to face the well. I ripped off my hot pink hat and threw it at my feet. I screamed that I didn't want to be a heroine anymore, not if Link wasn't going to be nice to me anymore. I screamed that I didn't care whether he lived or died or got eaten. I kicked the well, hurting my foot in the process. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything then. Link got off the horse and walked over to me. Still no words. I was beginning to wonder if he was going to be a mute from now on, when he wrapped his arms around me.

Link: I'm sorry.

Me: I accepted his apoligy. Surprising, no?

Link: There'd be no point saving the world if you hated me while saving it.

Me: I told him to stop being a sap, and that I already forgave him, no need to go overboard about anything.

Link: But I mean it.

Me: I said that I was not in the mood, even if he did mean it. He wondered what I meant by that, and I said nothing.

Link: oh, your just PMSing.

Me: I told him that if he said that again, there'd only be a heroine of time to save the world, no hero. He didn't say it again. I finally told him to unhand me, and he did. Then we went and got onto Epona. He helped me this time. I asked him where we were going to go. He had no idea. I suggested going to find the Gerudos.

Link: you just want to go there because your a woman and I'm a man and I'll get arrested while you won't and you'll rub it in.

Me: I told him yes, and then I took Epona's reins and took us there. The Gerudos stopped us, and arrested Link. But not me. I actually meant to give him the longshot, too, but I had it. Oops. Well, in the middle of the night, I longshoted myself into the cell. I screamed as I fell. Link was awake and he caught me. I told him to put me down.

Link: you would have broken a lot of bones if I hadn't caught you.

Me: I told him he was right.

Link: You don't have to do everything by yourself you know.

Me: I told him that if he had to love, or at the very least like, me, to wait until after the shadow temple, or better yet, until after Ganondorf got killed.

Link: ...Weird, but OK.

Me: I was actually surprised that he would agree to that.

Link: I agreed to the Shadow Temple, since we're going to beat that next.

Me: I thought darn. Well I rescued us, we went and rescued the trapped builders, became members. We really only became members because I paid for the membership. 2000 rupees. What a rip. We mounted Epona again, and we rode off. We wound up at the Temple of Time. I told him no, that I had earlier said that I was never going back there. Well, he threw me over his shoulder. I pounded on his back, but he didn't put me down. He went, took my Master Sword, and put it back in the pedestal. We went back 7 years in time, when everything was OK. I asked him why he did that.

Link: 'cause we gotta be kids to enter the well.

Me: I asked him why we would ever want to go into the well.

Link: to get something important.

Me: I agreed, and we ran back to Kakariko. The well was already dried up. I was going to climb down when Link stopped me, and he pulled me up. I was about to complain when he kissed me on the cheek and jumped down the well and ran. I was shocked for a good five minutes. He was back by then, and dragging me off towards the entrance of town. I was still somewhat stunned when he pulled the Master Sword out of the pedestal in the Temple of Time and gave it to me. I automatically put it away and then snapped out of it. I said whoa, whoa, whoa. I asked him what that was all about.

Link: I didn't want you going in there.

Me: I asked him if he thought I was a coward.

Link: of course not.

Me: Then I asked him why he didn't want me to go in there.

Link: You've been fearless so far. I didn't want you to get scared now, so far into our adventure.

Me: I said ok. Suddenly I got scared. Good job Link. All my fearlessness was gone. I sat down on the red carpet in the Temple of Time, hugged my knees and sucked my thumb. Link just stared at me funny. I told him he took away my fearlessness.

Link: That's impossible.

Me: I asked him to explain to me why I was a wimp now then. He didn't have an answer. We left the Temple. I asked Link if it were really necessary to go to the Shadow Temple.

Link: Yes it is. But you can wait outside for me.

Me: I thanked him. Next Chapter: Chapter 10: Shadow Temple

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Sorry this isn't really all that stupid. But, i can promise some serious stupidity in the next chapter!


	10. Shadow Temple

Chapter 10:

Shadow Temple

Me: We headed for the Shadow Temple. Meaning we just ran into the graveyard. I asked Link how we knew where the Shadow Temple was.

Link: This is the direction that black thing ran in.

Me: Anyway, Shiek appeared. Again. Blabbered on like an idiot. I got bored and asked him to hurry up. He taught me the Nocturne of Shadow. Creepy. Anyways he left. I played the Nocturne of Shadow and we warped up onto the ledge we could never get onto before. Link asked me if I was going to go in. I told him no way. I said I was NOT going in THERE. I said it was creepy, and for empathis a scream was heard. So Link went into the temple and I stayed outside. Outside was nearly as creepy as Inside probably would have been. I can't tell you anything about what went on Inside, because I wasn't there. But Link came out soon-ish, and I had dug myself a hole and was hiding in it. I blinked up at him.

Link: What? Don't tell me you've given up being a heroine and have decided to take up being a mole.

Me: I laughed and climbed out of my hole. I brushed the dirt off. I asked Link if i had really looked like a mole.

Link: You were so much like a mole I was wondering if you were going to tunnel up behind me.

Me: I frowned at him.

Link: Now, do we go to the Spirit Temple or do we just fool around for awhile?

Me: I told him that it would depend on what he had in mind for "fooling around".

Link: Nothing dirty.

Me: I told him that also depended on whether he meant mud dirty or dirty dirty.

Link: Nothing dirty dirty.

Me: I told him that we could fool around, since he elaborated on what he had meant. Somewhat. So, instead of doing what we were supposed to be doing, (saving the world), we went to Lon Lon Ranch and threw rocks at the horses. And Ingo. Plus, I "accidentally" hit Malon with one, two, three... eighteen. Twenty-five. Fourty. Sixty. Seventy-five. Ninety. One hundred. After that, we got kicked out. We went to Zora's River, waded in to our waists, and started splashing each other.

Navi: HEY! GET BACK ON TRACK YOU TWO!

Me: I then proceeded to splash Navi. Link joined in, and we half-drowned the annoying talking blue fairy. We decided, then, to get out of the water. We ran around Hyrule Field for a while, then we decided to go harass the annoying Goron that had flattened Link earlier on. I agreed to it, because that Goron had nearly flattened ME! (Gorons: oh NO!) Anyway, we did that for awhile, got bored with it, and decided to go to the Spirit Temple. Next Chapter: Chapter 11: Spirit Temple!


End file.
